Current Affairs

If I were the Great Leader of BN…

by Chung Hosanna

Ladies and gentlemen,

 You’ve seen the movie “How to train a dragon”. The protaganist- a Viking boy named Hiccup- uses grass, fish, and petting to train the titular dragon, Toothless.

As for us, we must use carrots and sticks to keep the rakyat in a perpetual state of blind submission. This is to ensure our survival as the ruling party for the next 50 years.

The age-old “punishment and reward” system is the oldest trick in the book, but it still very effective whether in training animals or winning general elections.

With enough goodies and image-glossing to mask our actual goals, they will never be any wiser. In fact, they will be grateful to us for whatever KR1M, BR1M, or SARA1M which we throw their way! That’s the beauty of it.

The paramilitary People’s Volunteer Corps (RELA) is our secret weapon to wield. Don’t be afraid to boast about it in the same way a playground bully brandishes a stick. You might say something like, “Do not cause havoc in this country because the 2.8 million Rela members will not stand idly by and watch the country descend into chaos.”

Occasionally, wave a keris for effect. You must always remind the people that we hold the strings of military might. If possible, channel Burma’s glorious military junta, or North Korea’s well-oiled troops. After all we didn’t increase defence spending for nothing!

Let them think that if push comes to shove, we have no qualms using RELA, the police, or the army to put the fear of God in our detractors. Create a boogeyman like May 13 or Ops Lalang to perpetually hang over their heads like a sword of Damocles.

The nett result is, a blanket of fear will fall. Citizens will be afraid to voice out or vote according to conscience. That’s exactly the way we want them – pliable, unsuspecting, timid.

After all the “whacking” – whether real or imagined, we can’t afford for them to curdle up in fear. That would be bad for the economy, for productivity. Who will earn money for us to con tax then?

The famous Skinner Experiment has taught scientists that the most effective training method is to reward at random intervals. So we’ll throw them a crumb or two when they least expect it. Occasionally give them what they’re asking for, that really messes with their heads.

This is what you must do to retain power:

If they want reforms, tell them we’ll take away archaic laws – just don’t mention that we’ll replace it with something else that serves our purpose.

If they want justice, declare an innocent man not guilty –international media will witness thousands rallying outside the court disappointed, they’d prefer a martyr.

If they want accountability, facelift an anti-corruption institution and go after some scapegoats – but we must not declare our assets, not until the cows come home.

If they want to uplift the economy, give out RM10 notes in white packets during Chinese New Year, that’s the best way to prove our pure intentions – so they wont confuse it with bribery.

When they call for national unity, think of a slogan to make every1 feel Malaysian, but please maintain race as the basis for political parties, country clubs, and everything else in between – much easier to convince them when we sing different tunes to each race.

Im sure they also want to feel ‘courted’, so try a Facebook page in their native language or an off-season political party ad aired on national TV – just steer clear of messy issues like media freedom or censorship.

Give some universities autonomy, but strip an outspoken professor of his title.

Remember your mission at all times: coax them when they’re docile, clobber them when they’re feisty.

The less rights we give them, the less responsibility they will expect from us.

Protect our interests at all times but never, ever admit it. If you must deny it 61 times, it’s not bull-headed I say.

Whatever you do, don’t end up like Hiccup in “How to Train a Dragon”. He made the fatal mistake of trying to understand and befriend the dragon, not subdue it by might. That would lead to a horrible state of equality we must never allow to happen.

Long live our party!

Your beloved Great Leader

-The Rocket

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